bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
