He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
