I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
