i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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