wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
