The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
