youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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