Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
