GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I deserve this hangover.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
