Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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