Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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