think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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