I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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