don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
