only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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