you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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