Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
