I just threw up on my dentist
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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