when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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