Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
