I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
