Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
