what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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