If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
