I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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