Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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