I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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