I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
