my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
