guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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