I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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