Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
