this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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