i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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