this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
