I think I died a long time ago.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
