Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
