I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
