Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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