Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He better not be in your backpack
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
