The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Randomize
