Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His hands were made for my vagina.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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