We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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