Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
