A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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