pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
