Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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