come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
