I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
