Your mouth is God's brothel.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I should be sponsored by Trojan
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
