Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
